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Computer Quotes

A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
Back To Top-- IEEE Grid newsmagazine

If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
Back To Top-- Norm Schryer

Computer science only indicates the retrospective omnipotence of our technologies. In other words, an infinite capacity to process data (but only data, i.e. the already given) and in no sense a new vision. With that science, we are entering an era of exhaustivity, which is also an era of exhaustion.
Back To Top-- Jean Baudrillard
(b. 1929), French semiologist. Cool Memories, ch. 4 (1987; tr. 1990).

Technology was developed to prevent exhausting labor. It is now dedicated to trivial convieniences.
Back To Top-- B.F. Skinner

Microsoft has proven itself time and time again as the great imitator, not the great inventor.
Back To Top-- Fred Davis
Windows Magazine

A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects...
Back To Top-- [unknown]

Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
Back To Top-- [unknown]

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Back To Top-- [unknown]

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
Back To Top-- Laura Creighton

A)bort, R)etry, P)ee in drive door
Back To Top-- [unknown]

Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW!
Back To Top-- [unknown]

Design: The activity of preparing for a design review.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

Document code? Why do you think they call it "code?"
Back To Top-- [unknown]

Finish your mail packet! Children are offline in India.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
Back To Top-- [unknown]

If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
Back To Top-- [unknown]

Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

Printed on 100% recyclable phosphor.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

Programmer: One who is too lacking in people skills to be a software engineer.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Back To Top-- Jeff Raskin
interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal

Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
Back To Top-- Popular Mechanics
March 1949

Unix is user friendly. It's just picky about its friends.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

The 286 is destined to be a multiuser machine. No one person could use all of that power.
Back To Top-- Intel spokesman

Write-Protect Tab, n.: A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary inconvenience.
Back To Top-- Robb Russon

The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
Back To Top-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers

Who drinks coffee at 3 A.M.? Me, thats who. You got a problem with that!? I've been a little edgy lately. I've been staying up late trying to achieve expert status regarding internet application development, and in the process I'm single handedly supporting a small village of farmers somewhere in columbia.
Back To Top-- Carl Franklin
guest editor for The Visual Basic Programming Journal

Plutonium president kill for sale NSA CIA FBI hostage mole infiltrate
Back To Top-- [unknown]
Above line designed to drive NSA's internet scanning computers crazy

On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.
Back To Top-- Charles Babbage

This is your life. Live to code, code to live. Embrace that monkey on your back, I say.
Back To Top-- Michael Swain
Editor for Dr. Dobbs Programming Journal

And if I had a can of Spam for every [time someone asked me that question], I'd be able to carve a life-size pink model of the Eiffel Tower. If I had another can for every [follow up to that question], I'd be able to put a wobbly luncheon-meat Statue of Liberty next to my Eiffel Tower.
Back To Top-- CindyV
from Sierra On-Line intervene

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a matter of principle.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

Real programmers don't announce how many times the operations department called them last night.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages of a language when they don't know any other language.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

The two greatest causes of system failures are sysadmins and users. If you can keep both of these groups away from your machines, the reliability increases dramatically.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

There are no rules around here. We're trying to accomplish something.
Back To Top-- Thomas Edison
remarking about his laboratory

One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.
Back To Top-- Elbert Hubbard

I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!" Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. There was a computer in every doorknob.
Back To Top-- Danny Hillis

Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it.
Back To Top-- Seymore Cray
on virtual memory

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
Back To Top-- Mitch Ratliffe
Technology Review, April, 1992

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3.
Back To Top-- Alice Kahn

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.
Back To Top-- Andrew Tannenbaum

Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

When you get right down to it we're all just a bunch of ones and zeros.
Back To Top-- Aunt Frank

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
Back To Top-- Brent Wilson

Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Back To Top-- Michael Sinz
Commodore-Amiga Inc.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Back To Top-- Robert X. Cringely

The number of UNIX machines has grown to 10 with more expected.
Back To Top-- The UNIX manual
1972

Do not expose your LaserWriter to fire or intense heat.
Back To Top-- Apple LaserWriter manual

Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
Back To Top-- PC Bios message

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They just make darkness the standard.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year.
Back To Top-- Editor for Prentice Hall
The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

program (pro'-gram) [n] A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

As a user, I don't care if I get my job done with hierarchical, relational, or object-oriented databases (or black magic, for that matter). All I care about is getting my job done.
Back To Top-- Alan Cooper
for Dr. Dobbs Programming Journal

Technology is like salt; you can't make a meal without it, but it doesn't nourish all by itself.
Back To Top-- Alan Cooper
for Dr. Dobbs Programming Journal

The other historical ball and chain is the annoyingly persistant falsehood that to use a computer, you must be "computer literate." This is just an excuse we in the industry use to salve the guilt caused by our inability to create adequate design. Instead of making software easy to use, we blame users.
Back To Top-- Alan Cooper
for Dr. Dobbs Programming Journal

The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
Back To Top-- D. E. Knuth

There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to use my telephone.
Back To Top-- Bjarne Stroustrup

You know what I'm sick of hearing about? The internet. What are you doing? Surfing the web. Nice hair. Solarized pictures of dead fat rock stars. UFOs. A zillion dollars of computer technology and what are we doing with it? Browsing. Here's an idea. Use the internet for something usefull like running a business. OK? Alright? No kids, no chat rooms, no smiley faces. Just raw, naked, in your face capitolism. You want to surf, move to Maui.
Back To Top-- Dennis Leary

There is a rumor going around IRC that there is no such person as Khaled Mardam-Bey, and that he is nothing more than an alias for Kathie-Lee Gifford's cruel and sadistic sweatshop child-labor programmer camps throughout Central America and the Carribean. It has been proven time after time that this program was constructed with modern and sanitary methods of programming and it was not handcrafted by enslaved programmer-children working long hours for minimal pay.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

98% of people on irc are on irc 'cause they are ugly, unpersonalbe or fat.
Back To Top-- Benjamin Granzeau

ifyouarereadingthisyouspendwaytoomuchtimeontheinternet
Back To Top-- Rick Conklin

Computers are like ice sculptures in terms of obsolescence.
Back To Top-- William Gibson

The only thing I do with Win3.x, Win95, or NT is connect to Unix machines.
Back To Top-- Bill Nash

Now this is what the Internet was orginially invented for. Watching porn movies 24 hours a day 7 days a week.
Back To Top-- http://twobit.whore.com/whore/

ScanDisk cannot check this disk because the disk is not properly formatted. Format this disk and then restart ScanDisk.
Back To Top-- Microsoft ScanDisk
running from the drive in question

Cyberspace is an illusion, virtual reality is not reality, instantaneous communication with bodies huddled over computer screens is not communication. It's funny how many people have swallowed the WWW bait. People itch to go home and log on to the WWW.
Back To Top-- The Raven
Anarchist Quarterly, Vol. 8, no 4. ISSN 0951 4066

The hateful :) means `just kidding' and is used by people who would dot their i's with little circles and should have their eyes dotted with Drano.
Back To Top-- Jamie Zawinski
spotted in the sig of Jamie Zawinski, jwz@netscape.com

Windows 95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

Isn't unix a guy without genitalia?
Back To Top-- Brian Hanson
Aber on IRC.

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
Back To Top-- Marilyn Pittman

unzip, strip, touch, finger, mount, gasp, yes, unmount, sleep.
Back To Top-- UNIX Guru's View of Sex

You can put lipstick on a bulldog, but I still wouldn't want to kiss it.
Back To Top-- XEROX O/S UI Designer
Creator of XEROX Star operating system user interface

Why does Bill have such small balls?
To change the size of your toolbar, click customize under the options menu.
Back To Top-- Rick Conklin & Microsoft Office Assistant
after contemplating for a couple seconds

To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but not its programmer.
Back To Top-- Morris Kingston

We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the Complete Works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Back To Top-- Professor Robert Silensky
University of California

If Albert Einstein were alive today, he'd use a Mac, and you know it.
Back To Top-- Steve Jobs
CoFounder and current present CEO Apple Comptuer.Newsweek, Oct 1, 97

John D. Rockefeller wanted to dominate oil, but Microsoft wants it all -- you name it -- cable, media, banking, car dealerships.
Back To Top-- Ralph Nader
Denouncing the "monopolistic" business practices of Microsoft.

SQLCODE = -122, ERROR: A SELECT STATEMENT WITH NO GROUP BY CLAUSE CONTAINS A COLUMN NAME AND A COLUMN FUNCTION IN THE SELECT CLAUSE OR A COLUMN NAME IS CONTAINED IN THE SELECT CLAUSE BUT NOT IN THE GROUP BY CLAUSE
Back To Top-- MVS Running SPUFI Database Viewer

Client Server Development with Power Builder. I tried to fit all the key words in there. The only thing that would sell better is sex.
Back To Top-- Gery Chrisman
ISU Professor

Anything more aggressive than changing a file name requires a reboot in Windows.
Back To Top-- Scott McNealy
CEO of Sun, makers of Solaris.

Grove giveth and Gates taketh away.
Back To Top-- Bob Metcalfe
Inventor of Ethernet on hardware speed increases trends still not being able to support demands of software.

A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
Back To Top-- Alan J. Perlis
Epigrams of Programming

Imagine a school with children that can read or write, but with teachers who cannot, and you have a metaphor of the Information Age in which we live.
Back To Top-- Peter Cochrane

What's the difference between a programmer and god? God knows he is not a programmer.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

How long will it take you to make that change?
How long does it take to catch a fish?
Back To Top-- Project Manager and Programmer

This might be The Year I Shoot My TV. It's beginning to interfere with my Internet viewing.
Back To Top-- Ted Lewis
Binary Critic Magazing, Jan 1997

People who live in windowed environments shouldn't cast pointers.
Back To Top-- [unknown]

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
Back To Top-- [unknown]
Manager in computer field, featured in Dilbert.

A computer was asked to translate the English phrase 'Out of sight, out of mind,' into Russian and then translate it back into English. Consider the modern miracle of what came back into English. Consider the modern miracle of what came back: 'Invisible insanity!'
Back To Top-- [unknown]

You don't learn this in design school. You look at your pages and you decide they could be better, so you keep working and working until they are as good as you can get them. Only a trained eye can spot the things that make the difference between good and great. I can teach you HTML in a week or two, but it takes years and years to become a good designer.
Back To Top-- Dave Seigel
on Web Site authors

To say that all Web pages should be viewable by all browsers, including non-graphical ones, is to say there should be a pedestrian lane in the freeway.
Back To Top-- Dave Seigel
On backward browser compatibility

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